SG007 - Seeing myself clearly

Just over a year ago I found myself visiting a psychic.  I had not long filed my divorce papers and was feeling incredibly sad.  I'd been living in Sydney over a year at this point and the novelty and excitement of being somewhere new had started to wear off.  The reality of everyday life was setting in and I started feeling anxious about what next.

My usual support network would be my friends and family but for some reason I felt I needed a very different perspective.  In truth what I wanted was clarity, I wanted to hear that everything was going to be okay, that I'd find someone new and live happily ever after.  I knew if my friends and family told me that I'd scoff and dismiss it, after all they couldn't predict the future!

I've always been open to acknowledging the different talents people have but I'd never considered a psychic as my go to person to help me navigate my next steps.  I knew life was a journey and that there would be plenty of ups and downs to come, happily ever after I figured was best in storybooks not real life.  But the optimist in me really wanted to believe in that storybook ending.  I was drawn to seek answers so I searched for a psychic and found one not far from where I lived.

She wasn't at all what I expected; I had imagined that she'd look like a psychic you see in the movies, living in a gypsy caravan, wearing big hooped earring lots of other jewellery and a floating colourful outfit.  Aside from her wild hair she was more like a grandma, someone with warm kind eyes, a little plump and very caring in nature. I met her at her home, a lovely light and airy ground floor apartment, no caravan in sight.

A sensitive soul...

She started the reading by holding my hands and telling me that I was a sensitive soul and that I needed to accept that was me.  She went on to tell me I was tough on the outside and soft on the inside, that I had inner strength, that I've always stood on my own two feet and have wanted to take care of everyone around me.  As she spoke the words I felt my eyes well up with tears, it all resonated, I'd been told all of this before over the years from many friends and colleagues.  I'd always considered being sensitive as something to be ashamed of, as a weakness perhaps, but I knew it was true I am sensitive and always have been but I had often tried to cover it up with projecting a tough exterior persona.

The reading went on for an hour and a half and she did a mixture of palm reading and tarot cards - I wish I'd recorded it so I could have re-played everything she shared but all I have is my scrappy notes.  She predicted a number of things for me, but a year on I haven't been able to say conclusively that she predicted accurately as so much of it was longer term focussed.

She did however influence me to be the person I am today and for that I am truly grateful.  She told me I had the wisdom to be able to help others but that I would not be able to use that wisdom to help myself.  She described it as having a gift that I had to give away and that is was not one I could benefit from by keeping for myself.  I now understand that whilst I am able to help people through their difficulties by sharing my wisdom that I need to be able to let others help me through mine.  Giving the gift of me to others and accepting the gift of them in return.        

Attracting a partner...

She also spoke about me finding a new partner which was what I really wanted to know more about.  But what she told wasn't what I expected, she told me that attracting the right person would come from seeing myself clearly and recognising everything that is beautiful about me.  That by doing this I'd attract an individual that is strong and can stand up without needing support.  She advised that in relationships I must not clam up and be too closed by internalising my thoughts, that I had to communicate better that perhaps in the past I'd not known how to.  She asked me to write a list of all the positive things about me and read it to myself standing in front of the mirror every day, twice a day, until I really felt and believed the words I was reading.

So here is my list (warning no filer applied):

  • Sparkly warm eyes
  • Beautiful kind smile
  • A great figure - well toned
  • Lovely well looked after nails
  • Confident
  • Warm
  • Friendly
  • Funny
  • Goofy
  • Kind
  • Intelligent
  • Wise
  • Calm
  • Stunning
  • No ego
  • Lover of life and people
  • Trusting
  • Caring
  • Honest
  • Authentic
  • Loveable
  • Great boobs!
  • Beautiful inside and out
  • Fit
  • Strong
  • Inner steel
  • Independent
  • Successful
  • Self aware
  • Understanding
  • Compassionate
  • Amazing tenacity and drive
  • Articulate
  • Forgiving
  • Loyal
  • Excellent gut instincts           

I'd never considered writing a list like this before, it felt uncomfortable initially and I did think that I was a little delusional, certainly about the more physical aspects.  Some of the words I've written above were words I'd heard others use to describe me and whilst I wasn't believing them myself I figured I would write them down as a way of trusting others to point out the good in me as I had often done for others.  When I first read out these words it felt insincere, like I was lying to myself, but I persisted and as I did, I started to feel the words more and more every time I read them, and rather than just seeing them I was actually believing them.

Being kinder to myself has helped me be a consistently happier more positive person.  I'd always berated myself previously but when you speak to yourself daily, perhaps every hour, minute or even second – what you tell yourself is going to have a huge effect on your life.

Imagine having a recorded self-talk that played negativity and unkindness in your ears everyday.  Where you are constantly told that you should have done better, that you are stupid, that you'll never be good enough, that you are a failure and so on.  Would you believe that listening to that voice every day would empower you to be better or to be happy?  How motivated would we feel if our bosses at work spoke to us like that everyday? Would we feel safe to grow or would we cower in fear of making a mistake?  Would you be someone that would be inspiring to others to grow and be the best versions of themselves?  I can't imagine that you would, so you see having negative self-talk not only impacts our lives for the worst but also it means we are hindering our abilities to help others have better lives.  Seeing yourself clearly takes practice and a constant and regular dialogue with yourself that is encouraging and nurturing. 

Finding freedom...

It's hard to describe the freedom I felt when I started believing what I was reading; I can only describe it as an overwhelming sense of peace.  I'd wholly accepted my life, being single again, my mind and my body and ultimately the very essence of who I am.

That psychic changed the course of my life in a way I had never imagined, seeing myself clearly has led to me trying lots of new things, pushing myself out of my comfort zone and also allowed me to recognise that through failure comes growth.  Whilst I don't read the list every day anymore I still practice speaking to myself with kindness and I am accepting of all of my flaws and imperfections.  

I now see that I'm a better human for myself and others by seeing myself clearly.  It doesn't mean I only look at the positive aspects about me, it means I have a more balanced view which includes recognising my shortcomings.  The key difference is that by seeing myself clearly I am more likely to focus on how I can improve rather than berate myself for not being perfect.  For those that think perfection exists I hate to break it to you but it doesn't, and if that is what you are seeking to attain, then my friend you will always fall short.

Take a magazine for example, how many photos would you need to cut up to create your picture of the perfect human.  Have you ever experienced one person having everything thing you would deem to be the perfect qualities both personality and physical appearance, beauty inside and out? Even people you look up to and hold in high regard do you see they have flaws?

We all have flaws because we are human and that's what makes each of us unique but trying to be the perfect human is futile because no such thing exists, instead focus on seeing yourself clearly and being the best version of you.

Finding me...

I went to the psychic seeking answers and I got them - they weren't necessarily the ones I wanted to hear but they were certainly what I needed to hear.  As for finding someone new - I did, I found me which is a gift I'll forever be grateful for. 

My desire for someone to do life with is still there, but I understand more than ever that he'll come and find me when the time is right.  In the meantime I'll continue working on being the very best version of who I am and enjoy doing life, with me.