On quiet peace, invisible cages, and choosing one honest yes at a time
I never started my own business so I could work all hours of the day, evening and weekend. But in the early years, that’s exactly what happened. I was in survival mode, trying to grow a business and not lose everything, including my sanity, in the process.
There were so many moments I wished for the 9-5 work week and the perceived safety of a regular salary. Something to help keep my nervous system from being constantly activated. Switching off from work felt like a long-forgotten art form. I was always on.
Last July, after returning from a holiday back to the UK, I had a realisation. I was living in a cage of my own making.
I didn’t feel lit up. I was always on. I was tired of working so hard and tired of feeling... meh.
Now, I will caveat that I don’t know how much of what I was feeling was related to hormonal changes (hello perimenopause), or how much of it was triggered by the recent visit back to the world where I had once felt most connected.
A world where I felt safe to be myself with people who’ve known me for most of my life. Who were, and still are, there to lend support, offer cups of tea, a listening ear and plenty of bear hugs.
That realisation, that in pursuit of freedom I’d created a cage, was confronting. I’d wanted freedom from the politics. Freedom from systems where mediocrity or schmoozing is rewarded. Freedom from the noise of never-ending conversations about transformation, only to witness even the simplest of changes take years to implement.
This past week, after years of working on myself and my business, I found myself noticing and appreciating the life I had created. The one I’m still shaping and evolving. As I enjoyed beach walks, Pilates classes, and space in my calendar to create and ponder, I felt something new.
Freedom.
The sense of spaciousness felt like a warm embrace. Time felt expansive for the first time in years. Over the past year, I’ve been dismantling the invisible cage I’d built around me. I’ve been saying no more often. Letting my yeses become more sacred. I’ve intentionally raised my floor and created breathing space in my schedule.
I’m no longer working all hours doing busywork. I’m not even working 9-5, Monday to Friday, every week. It’s taken a lot to unlearn. To down-regulate a nervous system that initially panicked at the thought of not “doing”. It’s taken intentional effort to carve out space so I can design the life I actually want to live.
The Einstein quote about doing the same thing and expecting a different result has been whispering in my ear. Nudging me to choose differently. To step off the hamster wheel. The one I thought I’d left behind years ago. Only to realise I’d stepped onto a faster one, with even higher stakes.
But this week, I felt peaceful. My mental chatter was quiet.
As I created from a place of love, immersing myself in joy and what makes me feel alive, I knew I’d found the path home.
The path of becoming. Living a life that’s true to me. Doing what I love.
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